Day 3

August, 6, 2014

The day starts out early.  6 AM early. We get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, and meet in the lobby by 7.  We then load our backpacks into the under carriage of the coach bus, and find our seats.  Me and Maddie sit in our same seats from the very first ride from the airport to the hotel.  We get comfortable and then Katie and Esta board the bus and we are off.

The bus ride in total will be about 7-8 hours and our final destination will be a small village called Mondaña, which is just outside of Tena.

For the first 3 hours of the trip we drove through the highlands.  Which was to say the least terrifying.  The roads zig-zags up mountains, and as we climbed the road turned from pavement to gravel and the steepness of the slope to the left became steeper and steeper.

At first my nerves were driving me crazy and I couldn't understand how we were still alive.  The bus would go around sharp corners and the wheels would somehow stay on the road.

To ignore the dozen near death turns I focused on the scenery outside.  I focused on the green pastures that scale the sides of rolling hills.  I focused on the areas of different crops like a patch work blanket draped over the mountains.  I watch as the mist gets thicker as the bus drives higher and higher.  I notice the first drops of rain that hit the window.  I watch as the sun gets pushed aside and replaced by a grey haze of fog.  I curl into my sweater as the temperature drops and I finally let myself be rocked by the movements of the bus and finally let myself give up my anxiety and let be whatever is to be.

Around 1 the bus pulls to the side of the road and we climb out into the crisp mountain air.  We cross the road and walk down a dirt driveway to a pizza hut on the side of the mountain.  Now when I say 'pizza hut' I don't mean the brand of north american restaurant chains, no I mean a quaint hut that has the wafting smell of freshly baked pizza rising from its being.  That kind of pizza hut.

Maddie, Shay, Ivana, Ioana, and I sit at a table outside on the deck.  The entire group of us (23) fill the entire building and the deck outside.  A gentleman in his 40's begins to go from table to table with serving out as many pieces of pizza as you so desire.


After stopping for about and hour for lunch we board the bus one last time for the final leg of the bus ride, which is about 3-4 hours.

As we drive the world outside changes from cold misty mountains to warm sunny forests.  But as this happens the road becomes even more bumpy and the inside of the bus becomes louder as people start to wake up from the food and the warmth.

As this happens Maddie and I start to talk and open up about our lives at home, why we decided to go on the trip, and our life goals and dreams.  As I talked to Maddie I became shocked at how comfortable I was talking to her about personal topics and how open she was in return.  It felt like we had known each other before from how confident I was confiding in her .

With our conversation the rest of the bus ride went by quickly.  And soon we were parking at a vacant market on the side of the Napo river.  We climbed down a steep river bank and boarded a long canoe that had a tarp cover and a motor.  As we drove off into the Napo the sun set behind us and the burnt yellow beams capped every ripple in the water.

After about 40 minutes we arrived at the Minga lodge that sat on the side of the river and was cradled by the forest which blocked the view from the canoe and stretched out behind it, except for a deck that had trees cleared out in front of it.

The canoe stopped on the side of the river bank and we climbed a flight of stairs to a stone path.  We then walked to reception were assigned rooms and roommates and were sent off to get settled in and informed where supper was and when to be present for the meal.

I was roomed with Ivana, Sara, and Laura.  Our room had two bunk beds, a sink, a bathroom, and a small closet.  two of the walls had windows in them that were almost floor to ceiling.  The windows were covered in a metal mesh and had no glass on them.  Each bed had a thin white sheet, a fuzzy orange blanket, a pillow, a folded white towel, and a bug net.

For the first few days I didn't really get to know Sara and Laura but after I did get to know them a little more I regretted not starting a conversation with them on the very first day.

Sara is literally the most energetic person I know.  She would get up before anyone else and go to work out, and would still be the first person on the build site to volunteer for the hard jobs.  I don't think that there was a person on the trip that sara didn't talk to.  She was friendly and open and had amazing listening skills.  When you talked to her you never wanted to stop because you actually felt listened to and cared about.  I think that having the ability to listen to people is a skill that is often over looked but really it is one of the most flattering qualities that a person could have.

Laura is a sweetheart.  She is soft-spoken and genuinely kind.  When Laura talks everyone is silent because even if she doesn't always give her opinion on every matter when she does she can give light to a new angle of the topic that is often over looked.

After we were settled in Ivana and I went to discover the rest of the lodge.

At 7 we were at reception and had supper in a buffet style.  I remember that we had clothe napkins that first night...we never saw those clothe napkins again.

After supper we cleaned up and arranged our chairs in  rows all facing the left side of the room.  Katie then talked to us about how experiences in our lives can have a negative effect on us by making us put layers over who we really are so that we are not hurt, or embarrassed, or judged again.

She then went on to talk about how at the the lodge, on the trip, and in the group we are in a safe place of no judgement and can show who we truly are underneath all the layers that we have put on for society.

After the talk we all signed an agreement clause to agree that we will make this a safe place for people to open up and that we will also open up to others.

After we all sign the agreement we go back to our chairs and the second half of the evening begins.  Katie continues by telling us that we are all going to step out of our comfort zones and take down some of our protective layers by standing up in front of the group and singing for 30 seconds, no music, no clapping, no beats, no rapping, just singing.  And after someone sings no one is aloud to clap and there is to be no talking.

The room goes quiet I can hear everyones hearts beating in sync, or maybe it's just my heart beat.  No that is defiantly my heart beat.  I actually can't breath.  I'm not breathing.  I'm staring at the floor and all of these emotions are colliding with each other behind my eyes and I can't think.  I can't get a clear thought through my head.

I look around to see if I can get a supportive glance or just an "I'm scared senseless too" look from somebody, anybody, but everyone is staring at the ground so I stare at the ground again.

Okay 30 seconds, All I have to do is find 30 seconds of lyrics in my head.  Okay think Katie think.  And then I find it, lodged in my memory bank.  I can hear the tick tick of the milking machine and the sounds of goats.  My friend is beside me and we are singing at the top of our lungs.  My voice is a soft hum under all the white noise and hers is a gust of crisp winter air above all of it.  I have never sang this song without the white noise. I have never been the crisp winter air before.  I have always been the warm steady hum.  I say the words over and over again in my head to make sure I know them, but I know that I know them.

I know them as well as I know my own heart beat and as well as I know the lines of my fingerprints.

About 5 people have stood up and sung.  They are all amazing singings.  They are all the crisp winter air. The bar is raised so high right now.

My heart has slowed down a little and I can breath again.  I know I am not a good singer.  I know I am out of tune on every note.  But I need to just get up there and sing.  The sooner I get up the sooner I can finish.

I raise my hand, and ask if we don't know a full 30 seconds if we can repeat a verse.  Katie says we can.  I ask because I honestly don't know if what I can remember is 30 seconds long or not.

I stand up, I take a deep breath, I look at the floor, and I start to sing.

"I got my ticket for the long way round, two bottle whiskey for the way, and I sure would like some sweet company and I'm leavin' in the morning what do you say?

When I'm gone, oh when I'm gone your going to miss me when I'm gone.  You're going to miss me by my hair you're going to miss me everywhere, oh you're going to miss me when I'm gone."

I sit down.

My hands are shaking.  My heart is beating off the tracks.  I don't think I breathed for the entire time.  It was off tune and off beat and I sounded like a frog but oh my sweet word I did it.  I did it.  I am so relieved that I did it and now I can sit back and relax as everyone else tries to find their own lyrics to sing.

Katie stands up now and says that for whoever is not singing that they don't have to sing but instead they have to say why they aren't getting up to sing.

Not going to lie I feel a little cheated right now.  I totally would have told you why I didn't want to sing instead of singing.  Oh my word.  I can't believe that just happened.  I just went through the most emotionally traumatic experience of my life and now you tell me that I had an option.

A few people talk about why they aren't getting up

"afraid of being judge about how bad of a singer they are"
"fear of being humiliated"
"don't want people to look at them differently afterwards"

I feel like putting my hands up and saying "Mhmm preach sister preach" but I think I have gone through enough humiliation for one night.

We then all move our chairs into a circle and everyone goes around and says one word to describe this experience for them.

I said 'nerve racking' (I think)

We talk a little bit about the experience and why it was so difficult to get up there and sing.

Afterwards we all went back to our rooms for a well needed nights sleep.  I go to bed regretting singing.  I will learn to laugh at it, but for that night I am going to just swim in a pool of self pity.

-Z